“A beginning [to influencing our children for good] is a secure marriage, where there is a commitment to make the personal adjustments to live together forever” (President Spencer W. Kimball, in Conference Report, Oct. 1974, 161; or Ensign, Nov. 1974, 112)

“Please permit me to close by stressing one place in society where that strength and commitment must be shown if we are to survive as a nation, as a people, or even as a fully successful church. We simply must have love and integrity and strong principles in our homes. We must have an abiding commitment to marriage and children and morality. We must succeed where success counts most for the next generation” (President Howard W. Hunter, in Conference Report, Apr. 1990, 77; or Ensign, May 1990, 61)

“Spiritual peace is not to be found in race or culture or nationality but rather through our commitment to God and to the covenants and ordinances of the gospel” (President James E. Faust, in Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 83; or Ensign, May 1995, 63)

“I wonder if it is possible for one marriage partner to jettison the other and become completely whole. (Elder James E. Faust, in Conference Report, Apr. 1993, 46–47; or Ensign, May 1993, 36–37).

Either partner who diminishes the divine role of the other in the presence of the children demeans the budding femininity within the daughters and the emerging manhood of the sons. (Elder James E. Faust, in Conference Report, Apr. 1993, 46–47; or Ensign, May 1993, 36–37).

I suppose there are always some honest differences between husband and wife, but let them be settled in private. (Elder James E. Faust, in Conference Report, Apr. 1993, 46–47; or Ensign, May 1993, 36–37).

“The importance of this subject emboldens me to say a word about covenant breaking. It must be recognized that some marriages just fail. To those in that circumstance, I extend understanding because every divorce carries heartache with it. I hope what I say will not be disturbing. In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant.

“What, then, might be ‘just cause’ for breaking the covenants of marriage? Over a lifetime of dealing with human problems, I have struggled to understand what might be considered ‘just cause’ for breaking of covenants. I confess I do not claim the wisdom or authority to definitively state what is ‘just cause.’ Only the parties to the marriage can determine this.

They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follows if these covenants are not honored.

In my opinion, ‘just cause’ should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being.“At the same time,

I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply ‘mental distress’ or ‘personality differences’ or having ‘grown apart’ or having ‘fallen out of love.’ This is especially so where there are children. (Elder James E. Faust, in Conference Report, Apr. 1993, 46–47; or Ensign, May 1993, 36–37).

“‘Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it’ (Ephesians 5:25)

“‘That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, [and] to love their children’ (Titus 2:4).

“In my opinion, members of the Church have the most effective cure for our decaying family life. It is for men, women, and children to honor and respect the divine roles of both fathers and mothers in the home. In so doing, mutual respect and appreciation among the members of the Church will be fostered by the righteousness found there.

In this way the great sealing keys restored by Elijah, spoken of by Malachi, might operate ‘to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the children to the fathers, lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse’.  (Elder James E. Faust, in Conference Report, Apr. 1993, 46–47; or Ensign, May 1993, 36–37).

“Keeping the garden of marriage well cultivated and free from weeds of neglect requires the time and commitment of love. It is not only a pleasant privilege, it is a scriptural requirement with promise of eternal glory” (Elder Russell M. Nelson, in Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 28; or Ensign, May 1991, 23)

“Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together—just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling” (Elder Joe J. Christensen, in Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 86; or Ensign, May 1995, 65).\

“Our communications reflect in our countenance. Therefore, we must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so.  (L. Lionel Kendrick, in Conference Report, Oct. 1988, 28; or Ensign, Nov. 1988, 23)

Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and the manner in which we communicate” (L. Lionel Kendrick, in Conference Report, Oct. 1988, 28; or Ensign, Nov. 1988, 23)

They who dwell in his presence are the church of the Firstborn; and they see as they are seen, and know as they are known, having received of his fullness and of his grace; (D&C 76:94)

One of the characteristics of those who inherit the celestial kingdom is that “they see as they are seen, and know as they are known.” This seems to indicate that in our perfected, celestial state, our communications with one another will be pure and transparent, without hypocrisy, deception, or misunderstanding. Since celestial glory is our goal, we should try to learn and use this type of communication now.

To have a strong marriage you must eliminate all forms of hurtful communication and instead communicate in ways that nurture, edify, uplift, encourage, and make your spouse feel valued and loved.

The closer the man and woman come to Christ (or in other words, the more Christlike they become), the greater ability they have to communicate with love for each other.

“True love of man for woman always includes love of God from whom all good things issue” (John A. Widtsoe, Evidences and Reconciliations, arr. G. Homer Durham, 3 vols. in 1 [1960], 297; or student manual, 157)

“In the teachings of men—without Christ at the center—there will soon be a slackening sense of service to others. … Men do not usually love a neighbor simply because he is there; some discover that he exists only after they become persuaded that God exists” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, Of One Heart: The Glory of the City of Enoch [1975], 15)

“For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. (James 3:2)

“Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom” (James 3:13)

The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard.—Elder Marvin J. Ashton

“How forcible are right words!” (Job 6:25)

“Put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.” (Colossians 3:8)

“But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.” (Hebrews 13:16)

19. “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
20. “For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
(James 1:19-20)

“For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.” (James 3:2)

“Beware lest there shall arise contentions among you.” (Mosiah 2:32)

“For our words will condemn us.” (Alma 12:14)

“He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention.” (3 Nephi 11:29)

“And see that there is no iniquity in the church, neither hardness with each other, neither lying, backbiting, nor evil speaking.” (D&C 20:54)

“Cease to find fault one with another.” (D&C 88:124)

23. “Cease to contend one with another; cease to speak evil one of another.
24. “Cease drunkenness; and let your words tend to edifying one another.”
‍(D&C 136:23-24)

“Communication, of course, needs to take careful account of the realities of our mortal relationships in order to avoid errors. (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 81–82)

If your lips can keep from slips,
Five things observe with care:
To whom you speak; of whom you speak;
And how, and when, and where.
William Edward Norris

“We must be prudent and discreet and yet be willing to communicate, (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 81–82)

true brotherhood is such that our friends and families will blow away the chaff in our communications—and do so with the breath of kindness. (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 81–82)

“Thus one of the biggest blocks to Christian communication is that we are so afraid of being misunderstood. So, when in doubt, we withhold. Yet Paul said to speak the truth in love; we can then take the chance. We worry (and understandably so) that some communications will only produce more distance. But silence is very risky, too. … (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 81–82)

“Usually, when we do not know somebody, it is difficult for us to trust them, and this becomes a restraint upon communication and growth. (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 81–82)

Opening the windows of the soul helps us to build healthy relationships. But if those windows are always closed or the blinds are drawn, it is difficult to help; one simply does not know what is needed” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 81–82)

As they become more Christlike and experience a change of heart, their desire and ability to communicate effectively and appropriately will increase.

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World,)

Communication in marriage includes every thought, feeling, act, or desire shared verbally and non-verbally between husband and wife.

Good communication is a manifestation of love. Good communication fosters mutual understanding and respect, reduces conflict, and increases love, unlocking the doors to the highest levels of human intimacy.

Every married couple can learn to communicate skillfully.

“There is magic in words properly used. Some people use them accurately, while others sloppily." (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Love Versus Lust,” in Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year (Provo: Brigham Young University, 1962), 2

“Words are means of communication, and faulty signals give wrong impressions. Disorder and misunderstandings are the results. (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Love Versus Lust,” in Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year (Provo: Brigham Young University, 1962), 2

Words underlie our whole life and are the tools of our business, the expressions of our affections, and the records of our progress. Words cause hearts to throb and tears to flow in sympathy. Words can be sincere or hypocritical. (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Love Versus Lust,” in Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year (Provo: Brigham Young University, 1962), 2

Many of us are destitute of words and, consequently, are clumsy with our speech.” (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Love Versus Lust,” in Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year (Provo: Brigham Young University, 1962), 2

Informational:
Poor communication is among the top 10 stumbling blocks to marital satisfaction. Eighty-two percent of the couples wished their partners would share feelings more often. Other responses related to communication, though not in the top 10, also ranked high: 75 percent had difficulty asking their partner for what they wanted, 72 percent did not feel understood, 71 percent said their partner would not discuss issues or problems with them, and 67 percent said their partner made comments that put them down.³ The study also revealed “satisfying communication” as the top predictor of happy marriage.⁴ (Psychologist David H. Olson of the University of Minnesota and his associate Amy K. Olson In a national study of 21,501 married couples)

Couples make the greatest progress toward improving their communication skills when they have a contrite heart and a willingness to forgive and ask forgiveness.

Individuals can soften their hearts regardless of what their spouses choose to do.

“I have found in thirty years of marriage counseling that learning new communication techniques, going to seminars on relationship skills, or reading all of the best books on the subject really won’t help heal marital wounds unless the individuals involved develop a contrite spirit or feel a softening of the heart. (Victor Cline, a psychologist and a member of the Church)

This softening of the heart usually needs to take place in both spouses, even though one may be principally at fault for the problems. (Victor Cline, a psychologist and a member of the Church)

While you can never force your spouse to change, you can change. You can choose to love and forgive no matter what else happens. The result will usually be a change in your spouse’s attitude and behavior as well.” (Victor Cline, a psychologist and a member of the Church)

The scriptures suggest that the way people communicate is related to the kind of people they are.

“Those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart” (Matthew 15:18)

“If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body” (James 3:2).

Improving communication may require fundamental changes in basic character, in a person’s way of thinking, feeling, and behaving.

“What manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am” (3 Nephi 27:27).

There are four patterns of communication that often destroy marriages:

Criticism: “Attacking someone’s personality or character … usually with blame.”

Contempt: Insulting or demeaning the spouse; indicating by words or actions that one believes the spouse to be “stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool.”

Defensiveness: Responding defensively to complaints, criticism, or contempt by making excuses, denying, arguing, whining, or counter-blaming rather than trying to solve the problem.

Stonewalling: Withdrawing physically or emotionally from the relationship when disagreements occur, becoming like a stone wall.⁶
(Psychologist John Gottman)

Some husbands and wives unthinkingly say and do things that hinder sharing and listening.

Bad habits become deeply ingrained through years of repetition and reinforcement.

Occasionally, problems are more extensive, involving spouses who intentionally obstruct communication because of anger, negative thinking, personal frustration, viciousness, or indifference. These couples may need ecclesiastical and professional help to resolve problems.

If couples have communication stumbling blocks in their marriage, they should examine the way they talk to each other and why they talk that way, resolving any underlying problems.

In addition to eliminating destructive patterns of communication, couples should increase positive communication. “[The] magic ratio is 5 to 1,” (Psychologist John Gottman)

When positive feelings and interactions occurred five times more often than negative interactions and feelings “the marriage was likely to be stable.” (Psychologist John Gottman)

Contented, happy couples were much more positive toward each other when both individuals interacted positively by:

- Showing interest in what their spouse had to say.

- Being affectionate through acts of tenderness, holding hands, and expressing love.

- Showing they cared through small acts of thoughtfulness, occasional gifts, and telephone calls.

- Showing appreciation by expressing thanks, giving compliments, and expressing pride in their spouse.

- Showing concern when their spouse was troubled.

- Being empathic, showing they understood and felt what their spouse was feeling.

- Being accepting, letting their spouse know that they accepted and respected what she or he said, even when they disagreed with it.

- Joking around and having fun together without being offensive.

- Sharing joy when excited or delighted.
(Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 59–61.)

Although the ultimate objective is to eliminate negativity altogether, couples should try in the meantime to increase their positive interactions and decrease their negative interactions.

Some people behave as if they believe their spouse should think and act as they do.

As couples recognize, accept, and appreciate their differences, they will be more understanding and responsive to each other’s needs and ways of doing things.

Many popular and scholarly books and articles have been written about the differences between men and women, particularly about styles and modes of communication. In reality, any two people may differ in significant ways.

Some writers and lecturers argue that females place greater value on interdependence, connection with others, and cooperation and that they address problems through consensus, listening, asking questions, disclosing feelings, and sharing problems of their own.

These people also claim that men generally place greater value on independence, freedom, status, and authority and that they address problems by acting on them, giving advice, reassuring others, and finding solutions.

While these books and articles are interesting and generally popular, the differences described vary from person to person and from culture to culture. Societal trends, familial upbringing, and occupational pursuits influence the way individuals think and how they communicate with and relate to others.

Husbands and wives should understand that their spouses are individuals who have different ways of communicating. These differences need not be a hindrance; a difference of communicating or a different way of responding to a particular situation can become a strength in a marriage relationship.

Individuals find it difficult to communicate positively if they have negative thoughts about their husband or wife.

Negative thoughts are frequently distorted–the individual might magnify personal strengths while focusing on the weaknesses of his or her spouse.

Participants can begin to correct any distorted thoughts they might have by challenging their thoughts–looking for evidence that they are inaccurate, viewing objectionable behavior in a different light, and considering that the spouse may have good intentions for his or her behavior. They can also pray that the Lord will help them see the spouse as He sees that person.

Sometimes if one spouse speaks kindly to the other, both will develop positive thoughts and feelings.

Destructive thoughts often involve feelings of innocent victim-hood or self-righteous indignation; these thoughts can occur separately or together. People who are innocent victims often fear their spouses; they feel unfairly accused, mistreated, or unappreciated. Some become so fearful that they do not dare defend themselves. They feel justified in being victims, and they use their victim-hood as an excuse to avoid responsibility for saving their marriages.

The self-righteously indignant feel “hostility and contempt” toward their spouses for hurting them. They feel that their anger is justified and sometimes want revenge. Individuals who feel hurt or angry often do not want to use good communication skills. They do not care about listening or trying to understand.

While it is okay for individuals to consider their own needs in marriage, some husbands and wives are self-centered and focus their thoughts on self-gratification. They may blame others rather than accept responsibility for problems, or they may lie about or deny their actions. They may spurn or belittle their spouse for not meeting their selfish expectations.

Sometimes individuals feel so overwhelmed by their own or their spouses’ negativity that they become hostile, defensive, or withdrawn and begin stonewalling. Constructive communication then becomes almost impossible.
(Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 105.)

Wives and husbands can practice and strengthen skills that will help them communicate better. As they replace old destructive patterns of communication with new and better ways of relating, they create a better environment that can lead to the change of heart.

Skillful communication involves taking risks,

When husbands and wives open the channels of communication, they begin to feel safer in sharing sensitive feelings they were afraid to talk about before. Differences may surface; conflicts may arise. The resulting pain, however, is usually temporary. Relationship wounds begin to heal when couples are able to understand and accept each other’s feelings. Problems can be resolved when couples are able to discuss underlying issues with skill and sensitivity.

Be interested and attentive when the spouse is talking. Individuals can show nonverbal interest by maintaining eye contact without staring and by paying attention instead of seeming distant or bothered.

When a spouse is troubled or needs to talk, the husband or wife needs to set aside personal interests and listen.

If other obligations make listening impossible, the couple should arrange to continue the conversation as soon as possible.

When listening to each other, couples should be aware of their own body language and should show that they are listening by nodding or saying, “I see,” “Uh-huh,” and so on.

“Taking time to talk is essential to keep lines of communication intact. If marriage is a prime relationship in life, it deserves prime time!” (Elder Russell M. Nelson, In Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 28; or Ensign, May 1991, 23.

Ask questions. An individual can invite his or her spouse to talk by asking questions such as “Something seems to be troubling you. Do you want to talk about it?”

Some husbands and wives avoid conflict and hesitate to say what they think and feel, fearing to provoke disagreement. For that reason, they may not share sensitive matters with each other. However, feelings are unlikely to change unless they are discussed.

Individuals can help their spouse discuss these sensitive matters by asking about their thoughts and feelings with a genuine desire to understand their point of view. Once they both understand each other’s perspectives, they can begin to work on solutions.

Listen actively. Good listeners occasionally rephrase what they hear. When they rephrase, they show interest and a desire to understand the message of the person who is speaking. If they didn’t hear it accurately, the speaker can clarify it.

When approaching a difficult topic, individuals can first share their intentions–what they want for the relationship, for their spouse, and for themselves. If their intentions are good, their spouse will understand that they want to resolve the issue, not criticize or complain.

When problems arise in marriage, sometimes the person who is upset will only vent negative feelings or engage in destructive ways of communicating such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. When this behavior occurs, it usually damages the relationship, provoking the spouse to feel rejected, unacceptable, humiliated, sad, hurt, frustrated, or angry. A better method is for husbands and wives to approach a problem with the idea that they will resolve it, not just complain about it. Therefore, they can begin by sharing their intention to resolve the problem.

Use “I” statements. Individuals should use “I” statements when they are upset, rather than “you” statements.

An “I” statement shares personal feelings and gives the reasons for them (for example, “I feel frustrated when bills aren’t paid on time and checks are not entered in the checkbook register”) instead of focusing blame on the spouse. “I” statements also convey personal responsibility for feelings (for example, “I feel angry” rather than “you make me angry”).

“You” messages convey judgmental, negative, and often distorted information about the spouse (for example, “you are lazy” or “you never clean up after yourself”). “You” statements invite resentment, defensiveness, and retaliation.

Defensiveness is one of the most dangerous of the destructive ways of communicating. He observed that “it can lead to endless spirals of negativity.” Defensiveness includes denying responsibility, making excuses, disagreeing, criticizing, attacking, being cynical or sarcastic, and whining.

Nondefensiveness involves taking responsibility, acknowledging mistakes, seeking solutions to problems, sincerely agreeing to make changes, and respectfully acknowledging the feelings of the spouse.

Couples who learn to be nondefensive will almost certainly improve their marriages:

“The single most important tactic for short-circuiting defensive communication is to choose to have a positive mindset about your spouse and to reintroduce praise and admiration into your relationship.” (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 181)

As individuals agree with the truth and learn to speak nondefensively, they can remember the effectiveness of simply saying, “I’m sorry.” A sincere apology bridges conflict and soothes feelings of anger and contention.

Give honest praise. Honest praise enhances communication and helps individuals feel good about themselves.

“Reminding your partner (and yourself!) that you really admire him or her is likely to have a powerful, positive effect on the rest of your conversation.”¹⁴ Such praise strengthens relationships. (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 196)

Some couples go for years without sharing their preferences or expectations. (Susan Page, The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997), 152.

Some expectations are simple, such as a request to take out the garbage or to carry a plate to the sink after dinner; others are less mundane. Page suggested that uncommunicated expectations can hamper a relationship for years. When expectations are not met, individuals often feel disappointed, frustrated, and angry, even if they have not expressed their desires or expectations. Eventually they may become disillusioned with the relationship. (Susan Page, The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997), 152-153.

Common reasons for not sharing desires and expectations include thoughts such as “He should know what I want”; “She’ll think I’m being critical”; “I should be content with what I have”; or “I’ll never get it anyway, so why ask?” Yet in asking for what they want, individuals show that they take responsibility in the relationship. (Susan Page, The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997), 152-153.

The asking process generally strengthens the relationship. Even if a request is not granted or creates a conflict, the request will still bring the issue out in the open. Once the issue is expressed, it can be worked on and ultimately resolved. (Susan Page, The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997), 152-153.

Individuals should use good judgment when asking for what they want, remembering that not all requests are appropriate. They should:

- Clarify in their minds what they want before asking.

- Choose the right time to make the request. The spouse is less likely to be responsive when preoccupied with other matters.

- Be specific; for example, they could say, “Would you please take out the garbage?” instead of “I wish you would be more helpful.”

- Briefly state the request without watering it down as a way to justify it; for example, they could say, “I’d like a good-bye kiss before I go to work,” instead of “I know it’s a lot to ask and sometimes you’re not fully awake, but it would help me feel better if …”

- Ask in a nondemanding way. “Would you mind …” is a good introductory phrase. Individuals should understand that the spouse has the right to say no, especially if the request is inappropriate. (Susan Page, The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997), 161

If the request seems appropriate and the individual feels strongly about it and the spouse denies it, the individual can ask again in another way. It may take time for the spouse to understand how much the request means.
(Susan Page, The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997), 161

Sometimes couples focus so much on the issues at hand, such as who pays the bills or takes out the garbage (content issues), that they fail to recognize that the way they communicate (the process) is the greater problem.  They try to repair communication problems by continuing to do things that do not work, such as yelling, arguing, or lecturing. Rather than helping resolve problems, these things contribute to ongoing contention.

If couples evaluate and change their communication processes, making those processes more effective, they resolve conflict better and gain new perspectives that lead to better interactions.

Example:
One couple sought therapy because the wife feared her husband’s anger. He had slugged a bedroom wall during an argument, breaking the wallboard. In therapy he affirmed that he would never hurt anyone, while she argued that hitting objects could lead to hitting people (content issues).

Rather than allowing the couple to debate endlessly over whether the husband would hit someone, the therapist focused on how they typically handled disagreements, including the one they were currently having. The wife frequently complained to her husband about problems that bothered her. He felt blamed and emotionally overwhelmed. Not knowing what to say, he would stop talking and walk away. She interpreted his withdrawal as a rejection of her feelings. She then followed him from room to room, demanding that he talk with her. Eventually he would explode.

After the couple identified the process, the therapist helped them change their approach to problem solving. The wife learned to share her feelings less intrusively, while the husband learned to listen and respond appropriately to his wife’s feelings.

“The Lord will give relief with divine power when you seek deliverance in humility and faith in Jesus Christ. … (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 8; or Ensign, May 1994, 8)

No one can help you without faith and effort on your part. Your personal growth requires that. (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 8; or Ensign, May 1994, 8)

Don’t look for a life virtually free from discomfort, pain, pressure, challenge, or grief, for those are the tools a loving Father uses to stimulate our personal growth and understanding. (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 8; or Ensign, May 1994, 8)

As the scriptures repeatedly affirm, you will be helped as you exercise faith in Jesus Christ. That faith is demonstrated by a willingness to trust His promises given through His prophets and in His scriptures” (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 8; or Ensign, May 1994, 8)

“You want capability, safety, and security … in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. … Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness for you and for your sweetheart” (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, “How Do I Love Thee?” [Brigham Young University devotional address, 15 Feb. 2000], 6)

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
(Hebrews 11:1)

And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.
(Alma 32:21)

Two ways increased faith in the Savior help married couples strengthen their relationship with one another:
‍
- They become more Christlike in their treatment of each other. They become more loving, helpful, gentle, patient, and willing to listen to one another.

- They become more humble and willing to repent and follow the Savior’s teachings. The more willing each spouse is to repent and become like the Savior, the more harmonious the marriage will be.

Three ways married couples can work together to increase their faith in the Savior:

- Obey the laws and ordinances of the gospel “Obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel is essential to obtain faith in the Lord Jesus Christ” [Robert D. Hales, in Conference Report, Apr. 1990, 52; or Ensign, May 1990, 39].)  

- Study the scriptures together
7 And behold, ye do know of yourselves, for ye have witnessed it, that as many of them as are brought to the knowledge of the truth, and to know of the wicked and abominable traditions of their fathers, and are led to believe the holy scriptures, yea, the prophecies of the holy prophets, which are written, which leadeth them to faith on the Lord, and unto repentance, which faith and repentance bringeth a change of heart unto them—
8 Therefore, as many as have come to this, ye know of yourselves are firm and steadfast in the faith, and in the thing wherewith they have been made free.
Helaman 15:7–8  

- Trust in the Lord
5  Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:5–6

“I know of no single practice that will have a more salutary effect upon your lives than the practice of kneeling together as you begin and close each day. Somehow the little storms that seem to afflict every marriage are dissipated when, kneeling before the Lord, you thank him for one another, in the presence of one another, and then together invoke his blessings upon your lives, your home, your loved ones, and your dreams. (Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr. 1971, 83; or Ensign, June 1971, 72)

“God then will be your partner, and your daily conversations with him will bring peace into your hearts and a joy into your lives that can come from no other source. Your companionship will sweeten through the years; your love will strengthen. Your appreciation for one another will grow” (Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr. 1971, 83; or Ensign, June 1971, 72)

Counsel told to President Thomas S. Monson of the First Presidency the day he and his wife, Frances were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple by Benjamin Bowring, the man who performed the ceremony:

“May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure that any disagreement you may have will last no longer than one day? Every night kneel by the side of your bed. One night, Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can’t pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another” (President Thomas S. Monson, in Conference Report, Oct. 1988, 81; or Ensign, Nov. 1988, 70)

“If, as husband and wife, you are having serious misunderstandings or if you feel some strain or tension building up in your marriage, you should humbly get on your knees together and ask God our Father, with a sincere heart and real intent, to lift the darkness that is over your relationship, that you may receive the needed light, see your errors, repent of your wrongs, forgive each other, and receive each unto yourselves as you did in the beginning. I solemnly assure you that God lives and will answer your humble pleas” (Elder David B. Haight, in Conference Report, Apr. 1984, 17; or Ensign, May 1984, 14)

When husbands and wives work together to exercise faith in Jesus Christ and to pray, they find greater happiness, unity, and ability to face their challenges.

Married couples can overcome many challenges in their relationship if they strive to have a spirit of forgiveness in their marriage. As they do so, they will learn the truth of President Gordon B. Hinckley’s promise to those who forgive one another: “There will come into your heart a peace otherwise unattainable” (Ensign, June 1991, 5)

As we seek forgiveness, it is important to make sincere efforts to change and, as necessary, to repent of our sins. It is not enough to merely express sorrow for our actions; we need to work to be worthy of others’ forgiveness and also of the Lord’s forgiveness.

“To every forgiveness there is a condition. The plaster must be as wide as the sore. The fasting, the prayers, the humility must be equal to or greater than the sin. There must be a broken heart and a contrite spirit. There must be ‘sackcloth and ashes.’ There must be tears and genuine change of heart. There must be conviction of the sin, abandonment of the evil, confession of the error to properly constituted authorities of the Lord. There must be restitution and a confirmed, determined change of pace, direction and destination. Conditions must be controlled and companionship corrected or changed. There must be a washing of robes to get them white and there must be a new consecration and devotion to the living of all of the laws of God. In short, there must be an overcoming of self, of sin, and of the world” (The Miracle of Forgiveness [1969], 353)

In addition to seeking forgiveness for our sins and for mistakes we have made, we need to be forgiving.

Sometimes we can become offended by little things people do, but the Lord has commanded us to forgive one another.

8 My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.

9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
(D&C 64:8–10)

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
(Matthew 6:14–15)

“If there be any who nurture in their hearts the poisonous brew of enmity toward another, I plead with you to ask the Lord for strength to forgive. This expression of desire will be of the very substance of your repentance. It may not be easy, and it may not come quickly. But if you will seek it with sincerity and cultivate it, it will come. … There will come into your heart a peace otherwise unattainable” (President Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, June 1991, 5)

Why is it sometimes difficult to forgive? Possible answers may include that...

- People seek to protect themselves from being hurt in the future,

- That they think forgiving is the same as condoning hurtful actions,

- Or that they find it difficult to forgive a person who expects forgiveness without making efforts to overcome offensive behavior

When we feel that we have been wronged by others, we should ask ourselves how the Savior would want us to respond.

“We must think more of holy things and act more like the Savior would expect his disciples to act. We should at every opportunity ask ourselves, ‘What would Jesus do?’ and then act more courageously upon the answer” (President Howard W. Hunter, in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 118; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 87).

“We all have our weaknesses and failings. Sometimes the husband sees a failing in his wife, and he upbraids her with it. Sometimes the wife feels that her husband has not done just the right thing, and she upbraids him. What good does it do? Is not forgiveness better? Is not charity better? Is not love better? Isn’t it better not to speak of faults, not to magnify weaknesses by iterating and reiterating them? Isn’t that better? and will not the union that has been cemented between you and the birth of children and by the bond of the new and everlasting covenant, be more secure when you forget to mention weaknesses and faults one of another? Is it not better to drop them and say nothing about them—bury them and speak only of the good that you know and feel, one for another, and thus bury each other’s faults and not magnify them; isn’t that better?” (President Joseph F. Smith,, “Sermon on Home Government,” Millennial Star, 25 Jan. 1912, 49–50).

“What relief! What comfort! What joy! Those laden with transgressions and sorrows and sin may be forgiven and cleansed and purified if they will return to their Lord, learn of him, and keep his commandments. And all of us needing to repent of day-to-day follies and weaknesses can likewise share in this miracle” (Elder Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, 368)