“Marriage … is the most glorious and most exalting principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ.   No ordinance is of more importance and none more sacred and more necessary to the eternal joy of man. Faithfulness to the marriage covenant brings the fullest joy here and glorious rewards hereafter.” (President Ezra Taft Benson,In Conference Report, Apr. 1949, 197.)

Couples can also learn problem-solving and communication skills to resolve disagreements and avoid potential conflicts. (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,”)

They can find solutions to the problems they face by studying the teachings of the Savior and His servants and by praying diligently for the Lord’s guidance, thereby establishing their marriage relationship on the foundation of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Through prayer, they can receive strength to keep their covenants and to work together.

They can repent of bad habits and forgive each other.

When faced with problems and challenges in marriage, some individuals become discouraged and want to give up. Many others commit themselves to their marriage relationship, work on resolving their problems, and enjoy peace, happiness, and fulfillment in marriage.

Marriage is threatened from the outside by social policies and practices and the rush of everyday life.

It is threatened from the inside by bad habits, misunderstanding, and pride.

Serious problems are not easily overcome, and some couples seem to struggle endlessly over the same problems that have undermined their relationships for years.

“the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”  (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,”)

Couples who once thought divorce was the best solution for an unhappy marriage discover that it often causes unforeseen problems.

Divorce disrupts the lives of children and affects their behavior and decisions for the rest of their lives. (The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study (New York: Hyperion, 2000), xxvii.)

children are more likely to be abused by a parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend or by a stepparent than by biological parents. (The Case for Marriage, 135, 159.)

It is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.” (President Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage and Divorce, 16)

Though they will have differences and disagreements, couples can successfully resolve them. Problems are best resolved when both spouses strive to overcome them.

Unfortunately, both partners are not always equally motivated to save their marriage.

When husband and wife have different degrees of motivation, the more devoted partner should take courage in knowing that persistence in applying relationship principles can sometimes bring eventual success to their marriage.

One spouse’s love, commitment, and eternal perspective can often sustain the marriage until the other spouse matures or repents and realizes the loss and damage that would occur if the couple were to divorce. The law of the harvest–“whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap”

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. (Galatians 6:7)

Normal differences between spouses escalate into conflict and disharmony when couples see each other and their relationship in a distorted, deceptive, or untrue way. Couples can overcome these distortions as they learn to follow Jesus Christ.

“Because looking at life and others through the lens of the gospel provides eternal perspective, if we look long enough as well as often enough, we can see much more clearly. … Such things as a mess of pottage and thirty pieces of silver and moments of sensual pleasure totally disappear from view; so does an improved golf swing or tennis serve when compared with progress toward patience. So does redecorating the front room when placed alongside listening and teaching one’s children.” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, We Will Prove Them Herewith (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1982), 76)

When people live the gospel, they see more clearly and make more appropriate choices.

Those who earnestly desire eternal marriage and a successful family life should seek to become true disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ.

With discipleship comes divine guidance in all aspects of living, including direction on how to be a good marriage partner and parent.

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness. (Ether 12:27–28)

“The nearer man [or woman] approaches perfection, the clearer are his views, and the greater his enjoyments, till he has overcome the evils of his life and lost every desire for sin.” (Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1976, 51)

Discipleship improves perspective and helps individuals see “things as they really are” (Jacob 4:13).

Harmful reactions to others are replaced by love, patience, and long-suffering.

Adherence to the nine family proclamation principles leads to personal righteousness and closeness to God. Appreciation for family members increases; divine guidance is made possible.

Life brings challenges, many of which come from our associations with others. But, as President Kimball observed, trials can become blessings when we see them from an eternal perspective:

“If we look at mortality as a complete existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life could be a calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the pre-earth past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective. (President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982), 38–39)

“Is there not wisdom in his giving us trials that we might rise above them, responsibilities that we might achieve, work to harden our muscles, sorrows to try our souls? Are we not permitted temptations to test our strength, sickness that we might learn patience, death that we might be immortalized and glorified?” (President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982), 38–39)

Husbands and wives grow through trials, instruction, faith, personal righteousness, and spiritual guidance.

With spiritual guidance, they receive a greater ability to overcome life’s problems and challenges, including those involving family.

All couples experience challenges in marriage.

Unless they are firmly committed to each other, they will lack the foundation to face the storms of life.

Committed couples care enough to work out problems.

Example

Catherine Lundell, a marriage and family therapist, told of a couple struggling with serious problems in their marriage.

They had planned to divorce by spring if they were unable to solve their problems. In several months of counseling, the couple made little progress and were ready to divorce, but Lundell refused to add her professional sanction to their decision.

Instead, she reminded them of their covenants: “You are the ones who have to decide to break your covenants,” she told them. “You are the ones who will have to live with the decision.”

When the couple returned for their next visit, they were “strangely affectionate and responsive to each other.” They explained that after thinking about their situation, they chose to commit themselves to their marriage. Although they still had problems to resolve, their renewed commitment made all the difference in their marriage.
(“Helping Couples in Counseling Remain Committed to Their Marriage,” in Strengthening Our Families: An In-Depth Look at the Proclamation on the Family, ed. David C. Dollahite (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 2000), 48–49)

“But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.” (Elder Bruce C. Hafen, In Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 34; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 26)

The majority of couples who stay together find that they can work out problems.

The couples who stay together enjoy other benefits as well. These couples...

- Live longer,
- Acquire more wealth,
- Are healthier and happier,
- Experience more sexual fulfillment than unmarried people.

Covenants–sacred agreements between God and His children–bring added blessings to help save families.

When couples encounter problems, they can remember their covenants to find strength to resolve difficulties.

Through the new and everlasting covenant of marriage, the Lord has pledged that worthy couples shall inherit all that He has.

19 And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, that he shall commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, and if ye abide in my covenant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.

20 Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. Then shall they be gods, because they have all power, and the angels are subject unto them. (Doctrine and Covenants 132:19–20)

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.
(1 Corinthians 2:9)

When husbands and wives remember their covenants, they can find inspiration and motivation to work on their marriages and resolve problems as they occur.

The covenants people make as they grow in the gospel help strengthen their relationships.

33 For whoso is faithful unto the obtaining these two priesthoods of which I have spoken, and the magnifying their calling, are sanctified by the Spirit unto the renewing of their bodies.

34 They become the sons of Moses and of Aaron and the seed of Abraham, and the church and kingdom, and the elect of God.

35 And also all they who receive this priesthood receive me, saith the Lord;

36 For he that receiveth my servants receiveth me;

37 And he that receiveth me receiveth my Father;

38 And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father’s kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him.

39 And this is according to the oath and covenant which belongeth to the priesthood.

43 And I now give unto you a commandment to beware concerning yourselves, to give diligent heed to the words of eternal life.

44 For you shall live by every word that proceedeth forth from the mouth of God.
(Doctrine and Covenants 84:33–39, 43–44)

And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee above measure, and make thy name great among all nations, and thou shalt be a blessing unto thy seed after thee, that in their hands they shall bear this ministry and Priesthood unto all nations; (Abraham 2:9)

The scriptures amply demonstrate that the Lord blesses and supports His covenant people. Those who follow Him become heirs to the blessings promised to Abraham.

During times of difficulty, the Lord provides guidance and support to worthy husbands and wives. Ultimately, they will receive eternal happiness and exaltation in the celestial kingdom.

Through obedience to covenants, individuals will “discover hidden reservoirs of strength” and “deep, internal wellsprings of compassion.” (Elder Bruce C. Hafen, In Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 35, 36)

The blessings of the marriage covenant affect children as well as parents. Parents who keep this covenant are strengthened in teaching and raising their children.

“When a man and a woman have received their endowments and sealings, and then had children born to them afterwards, those children are legal heirs to the Kingdom and to all its blessings and promises.” (President Brigham Young, Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1941), 195)

We cannot overemphasize the value of temple marriage, the binding ties of the sealing ordinance, and the standards of worthiness required of them. When parents keep the covenants they have made at the altar of the temple, their children will be forever bound to them.” (President Boyd K. Packer, In Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 94–95; or Ensign, May 1992, 68)

While parents cannot “force salvation upon those who do not want it,” the blessings of temple covenants strengthen parents and their children. (Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R. McConkie, 3 vols. (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1954–56), 2:91)

Some worthy husbands and wives wonder what happens to their covenant blessings when a spouse violates the covenant they entered into together. When one spouse forsakes the covenant, the faithful partner is not denied the promised blessings.

“We do not look down upon you as failures because a marriage failed. … The Lord will not deny you nor turn you away.” (President Gordon B. Hinckley, “To Single Adults,” Ensign, June 1989, 74)

Likewise, a child retains the blessing of being born or sealed in the covenant even if one or both of the parents forsakes the covenant. A parent who keeps the covenant retains a covenant relationship with the child.

Discouragement is one of Satan’s greatest tools.

Many couples are overwhelmed at the thought of becoming “perfect, even as [our] Father which is in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48)

Individuals who give up on themselves, their spouses, or their children open the door for unrighteous influences. But those who seek to follow Jesus Christ can overcome those influences:

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. (James 4:7)

With persistence, individuals can turn personal failures into successes if they learn from their mistakes.

Many people have a tendency to compare themselves negatively with others, seeing perfection in others while being painfully aware of their own weaknesses.

Another common problem in troubled marriages involves husbands or wives who overlook personal faults while focusing upon the real or imagined imperfections of their spouse. Many marriages fail because husbands and wives do this to the point of becoming dissatisfied and unhappy with each other.ections of their spouse.

It is always a good practice to recognize and resolve personal problems rather than to seek to change the behavior of one’s spouse.

“When our imperfections appear, we can keep trying to correct them. We can be more forgiving of flaws in ourselves and among those we love. We can be comforted and forbearing.” (Elder Russell M. Nelson, In Conference Report, Oct. 1995, 118; or Ensign, Nov. 1995, 88)

The same God who created numberless worlds has declared that the eternal happiness of His children is His work and His glory (see Moses 1:39). He wants us and our families to find happiness in this life and eventually to receive the “riches of eternity”

While we may feel insignificant in proportion to the vastness of God’s creations, we must remember that we are His children. He has promised to help and bless us as we keep His commandments. We can receive the blessings that God has in store for us as we obey covenants and follow gospel principles.

“The Lord has ordained that we should marry, that we shall live together in love and peace and harmony, that we shall have children and rear them in His holy ways. …

“When all is said and done, this is what the gospel is about. The family is a creation of God. It is the basic creation. The way to strengthen the nation is to strengthen the homes of the people.

“I am satisfied that if we would look for the virtues in one another and not the vices, there would be much more of happiness in the homes of our people. There would be far less of divorce, much less of infidelity, much less of anger and rancor and quarreling. There would be more of forgiveness, more of love, more of peace, more of happiness. This is as the Lord would have it.” (President Gordon B. Hinckley, In Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 69; or Ensign, May 1998, 51)

Baptism

- Take upon oneself the name of Jesus Christ

- Stand as a witness for Jesus Christ.

- Always keep the commandments.

- Bear the burdens of others; mourn with those who mourn; comfort those who need comfort.

- Show a willingness to serve God throughout life.

- Manifest repentance of sins.

Sacrament

- Renew baptismal covenants.

- Recommit to take upon oneself the name of Christ, always remember Him, and keep His commandments.

Oath and Covenant of the Priesthood

- Magnify callings by fulfilling priesthood responsibilities.

- Teach the word of God and labor diligently to advance the Lord’s purposes.

- Be obedient; obtain a knowledge of the gospel and live according to that knowledge.

- Serve others and work to bless their lives.

Temple Endowment

“Observe the law of strict virtue and chastity, to be charitable, benevolent, tolerant and pure; to devote both talent and material means to the spread of truth and the uplifting of the race; to maintain devotion to the cause of truth; and to seek in every way to contribute to the great preparation that the earth may be made ready to receive her King,–the Lord Jesus Christ” (James E. Talmage, House of the Lord [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1962] 84).

Celestial Marriage

- Love one’s spouse and remain faithful to him or her and to God through all eternity.

- Live in ways that contribute to a happy family life and work to bless spouse and children.

- “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28)

“Two people coming from different backgrounds learn soon after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished, and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made. (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 3)

“One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues which were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizable proportions. The hour has come for understanding hearts, for self-appraisal, and for good common sense, reasoning, and planning. The habits of years now show themselves; the spouse may be stingy or prodigal, lazy or industrious, devout or irreligious; he may be kind and cooperative or petulant and cross, demanding or giving, egotistical or self-effacing. The in-law problem comes closer into focus, and the relationships of the spouse to them is again magnified” (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 3)

If young people “would resolve from the moment of their marriage, that from that time forth they would resolve and do everything in their power to please each other in things that are right, even to the sacrifice of their own pleasures, their own appetites, their own desires, the problem of adjustment in married life would take care of itself, and their home would indeed be a happy home. (Elder Harold B. Lee, in Conference Report, Apr. 1947, 49).

Great love is built on great sacrifice, and that home where the principle of sacrifice for the welfare of each other is daily expressed is that home where there abides a great love” (Elder Harold B. Lee, in Conference Report, Apr. 1947, 49).

“Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 3)

Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 3)

To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together: (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 3)

16 Wherefore, it is lawful that he should have one wife, and they twain shall be one flesh, and all this that the earth might answer the end of its creation;17 And that it might be filled with the measure of man, according to his creation before the world was made.
(Doctrine and Covenants 49:16–17)

“We are engaged in a temporal as well as in a spiritual labor. (President Joseph F. Smith, in Conference Report, Oct. 1900, 46)

You must continue to bear in mind that the temporal and the spiritual are blended. They are not separate. One cannot be carried on without the other, so long as we are here in mortality” (President Joseph F. Smith, in Conference Report, Oct. 1900, 46)

“The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure” (President Joseph F. Smith, “Unchastity the Dominant Evil of the Age,” Improvement Era, June 1917, 739)

“From my experience, it would seem that faithful mothers have a special gift that we often refer to as mother’s intuition. Perhaps with the great blessing of motherhood, our Heavenly Father has endowed them with this quality, since fathers, busy in priesthood callings and with the work of earning a livelihood, never draw quite as close to heavenly beings in matters that relate to the more intimate details of bringing up children in the home” (President Harold B. Lee, Teachings of Harold B. Lee, 291)

“In his wisdom and mercy, our Father made men and women dependent on each other for the full flowering of their potential. (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Relief Society—Its Promise and Potential,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 5)

Because their natures are somewhat different, they can complement each other; because they are in many ways alike, they can understand each other. (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Relief Society—Its Promise and Potential,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 5)

Let neither envy the other for their differences; let both discern what is superficial and what is beautifully basic in those differences, and act accordingly” (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Relief Society—Its Promise and Potential,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 5)

“Within those great assurances, however, our roles and assignments differ. These are eternal differences—with women being given many tremendous responsibilities of motherhood and sisterhood and men being given the tremendous responsibilities of fatherhood and the priesthood” (President Spencer W. Kimball, “The Role of Righteous Women,” Ensign, Nov. 1979, 102)

“I suppose you would say it is a man’s viewpoint to throw a burden upon a woman to maintain the stability and the sweetness of marriage, but this seems to be her divine nature. She has a superior spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage, uplift, teach, and be the one who sets the example in the family for righteous living. When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those principles that the Lord set out in his divine plan” (President Howard W. Hunter, Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 139)

“It seems strange that women want to enter into professions and into work and into places in society on an equality with men, wanting to dress like men and carry on men’s work. I don’t deny the fact that women are capable of doing so, but as I read the scriptures, I find it hard to reconcile this with what the Lord has said about women—what he has said about the family, what he has said about children. It seems to me that in regard to men and women, even though they might be equal in many things, there is a differentiation between them that we fully understand. I hope the time never comes when women will be brought down to the level with men, although they seem to be making these demands in meetings held … all over the world” (President Howard W. Hunter, Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 150)

“Before we were born, male and female, we made certain commitments and … agreed to come to this earth with great, rich, but different gifts. We were called, male and female, to do great works with separate approaches and separate assignments. (President James E. Faust, “How Near to the Angels,” Ensign, May 1998, 95–97)

“… Becoming like men is not the answer. Rather, the answer lies in being who you are and living up to your divine potential by fulfilling eternal commitments. … (President James E. Faust, “How Near to the Angels,” Ensign, May 1998, 95–97)

“All of you will have to sometime answer to your natural womanly instincts, which the Prophet Joseph said are according to your natures. He said, ‘If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.’ [Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 226.] You should respond generously to those instincts and promptings to do good. Hold your soul very still, and listen to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Follow the noble, intuitive feelings planted deep within your souls by Deity in the previous world. In this way you will be responding to the Holy Spirit of God and will be sanctified by truth. By so doing, you will be eternally honored and loved. Much of your work is to enrich mankind with your great capacity for care and mercy” (President James E. Faust, “How Near to the Angels,” Ensign, May 1998, 95–97)

“The tender hand of the sister gives a gentle touch of healing and encouragement which the hand of a man, however well intentioned, can never quite duplicate” (President Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 94; or Ensign, May 1998, 72)

“In the home and in the Church, sisters should be esteemed for their very nature. (President Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 96; or Ensign, May 1998, 73)

Be careful lest you unknowingly foster influences and activities which tend to erase the masculine and feminine differences nature has established. A man, a father, can do much of what is usually assumed to be a woman’s work. In turn, a wife and a mother can do much—and in time of need, most things—usually considered the responsibility of the man, without jeopardizing their distinct roles. Even so, leaders, and especially parents, should recognize that there is a distinct masculine nature and a distinct feminine nature essential to the foundation of the home and the family. Whatever disturbs or weakens or tends to erase that difference erodes the family and reduces the probability of happiness for all concerned” (President Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 96; or Ensign, May 1998, 73)

“What the modernists, even the liberationists, fail to remember is that women, in addition to being persons, also belong to a sex, and that with the differences in sex are associated important differences in function and behavior. Equality of rights does not imply identity of functions. As Paul the apostle declared: ‘… neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.’ (1 Cor. 11:11.)” (“The Women’s Movement: Liberation or Deception?” Ensign, Jan. 1971, 20)

“Except Adam and Eve by nature be different from one another, they could not multiply and fill the earth [see Genesis 1:28, note 28 c]. The complementing differences are the very key to the plan of happiness. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 28; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 21)

“Some roles are best suited to the masculine nature and others to the feminine nature” (Elder Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 28; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 21)

“We live in a day when there are many political, legal, and social pressures for changes that confuse gender and homogenize the differences between men and women. Our eternal perspective sets us against changes that alter those separate duties and privileges of men and women that are essential to accomplish the great plan of happiness. We do not oppose all changes in the treatment of men and women, since some changes in laws or customs simply correct old wrongs that were never grounded in eternal principles” (Elder Dallin H. Oaks, in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 99; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 73–74)

“Our Heavenly Father endowed His sons and daughters with unique traits especially fitted for their individual responsibilities as they fulfill His plan. To follow His plan requires that you do those things He expects of you as a son or daughter, husband or wife. Those roles are different, but entirely compatible. In the Lord’s plan, it takes two—a man and a woman—to form a whole. Indeed, a husband and wife are not two identical halves, but a wondrous, divinely determined combination of complementary capacities and characteristics. (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 101; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 73–74).

“Marriage allows these different characteristics to come together in oneness—in unity—to bless a husband and wife, their children and grandchildren. (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 101; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 73–74).

For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed. Their efforts interlock and are complementary. Each has individual traits that best fit the role the Lord has defined for happiness as a man or woman. (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 101; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 73–74).

When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one—to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally. That is the plan. (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 101; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 73–74).

“You can learn how to be more effective parents by studying the lives of Adam and Eve. Adam was Michael who helped create the earth—a glorious, superb individual. Eve was his equal—a full, powerfully contributing partner. (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 101; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 73–74).

After they had partaken of the fruit, the Lord spoke with them. Their comments reveal some different characteristics of a man and woman. To Adam He said, ‘Hast thou eaten of the tree whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat?’ [Moses 4:17.] Now, Adam’s response was characteristic of a man who wants to be perceived as being as close to right as possible. Adam responded, ‘The woman thou gavest me, and commandest that she should remain with me, she gave me of the fruit of the tree and I did eat.’ [Moses 4:18.] And the Lord said unto Eve, ‘What is this thing which thou hast done?’ [Moses 4:19.] Eve’s response was characteristic of a woman. Her answer was very simple and straightforward. ‘The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.’ [Moses 4:19.]” (Elder Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 101; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 73–74).

“We know so little, brothers and sisters, about the reasons for the division of duties between womanhood and manhood as well as between motherhood and priesthood. These were divinely determined in another time and another place. …“We men know the women of God as wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, associates, and friends. You seem to tame us and to gentle us, and, yes, to teach us and to inspire us. For you, we have admiration as well as affection, because righteousness is not a matter of role, nor goodness a matter of gender. In the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other, but do not envy each other, lest by reversals and renunciations of role we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 13; or Ensign, May 1978, 10).

“When a man understands how glorious a woman is, he treats her differently. When a woman understands that a man has the seeds of divinity within him, she honors him not only for who he is but for what he may become. (Elder Merrill J. Bateman, “The Eternal Family,” 113)

An understanding of the divine nature allows each person to have respect for the other. The eternal view engenders a desire in men and women to learn from and share with each other. (Elder Merrill J. Bateman, “The Eternal Family,” 113)

“Men and women are created as complements. They complete one another. (Elder Merrill J. Bateman, “The Eternal Family,” 113)

Men and women complement each other not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. (Elder Merrill J. Bateman, “The Eternal Family,” 113)

Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, and marriage is a synergistic relationship in which spiritual growth is enhanced because of the differences” (Elder Merrill J. Bateman, “The Eternal Family,” 113)

“A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them” (Elder Henry B. Eyring, in Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 89; or Ensign, May 1998, 68)

4 For as we have many members in one body, and all members have not the same office:

5 So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.

6 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, whether prophecy, let us prophesy according to the proportion of faith;
(Romans 12:4–6)

“Charity:
The highest, noblest, strongest kind of love, not merely affection; the pure love of Christ. It is never used to denote alms or deeds or benevolence, although it may be a prompting motive

Now as touching things offered unto idols, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth. (1 Corinthians 8:1)

“The process of adding one godly attribute to another, as described by Peter [in 2 Peter 1], becomes the key to gaining this knowledge that leads to eternal life” (President Ezra Taft Benson, in Conference Report, Oct. 1986, 63; or Ensign, Nov. 1986, 48)

“Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again. (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, in Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 24; or Ensign, May 1992, 18–19)

It makes the thought of being [critical or verbally abusive] repulsive. (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, in Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 24; or Ensign, May 1992, 18–19)

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, in Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 24; or Ensign, May 1992, 18–19)

Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, in Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 24; or Ensign, May 1992, 18–19)

Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other” (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, in Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 24; or Ensign, May 1992, 18–19)

“Above all the attributes of godliness and perfection, charity is the one most devoutly to be desired. (Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, 121)

Charity is love so centered in righteousness that the possessor has no aim or desire except for the eternal welfare of his own soul and for the souls of those around him. (Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, 121)

“Stated simply, charity means subordinating our interests and needs to those of others, as the Savior has done for all of us. (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, in Conference Report, Oct. 1991, 20; or Ensign, Nov. 1991, 16)

Behold, the Lord hath forbidden this thing; wherefore, the Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing. Wherefore, if they should have charity they would not suffer the laborer in Zion to perish. (2 Nephi 26:30)

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. (Moroni 7:47)

25 And the first fruits of repentance is baptism; and baptism cometh by faith unto the fulfilling the commandments; and the fulfilling the commandments bringeth remission of sins;

26 And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God. (Moroni 8:25–26)

And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

And except ye have charity ye can in nowise be saved in the kingdom of God; neither can ye be saved in the kingdom of God if ye have not faith; neither can ye if ye have no hope. (Moroni 10:21)

For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? (Matthew 5:46)

And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works. (Alma 7:24)

Therefore, if ye do not remember to be charitable, ye are as dross, which the refiners do cast out, (it being of no worth) and is trodden under foot of men. (Alma 34:29)

And now I know that this love which thou hast had for the children of men is charity; wherefore, except men shall have charity they cannot inherit that place which thou hast prepared in the mansions of thy Father. (Ether 12:34)

And if you have not faith, hope, and charity, you can do nothing. (Doctrine and Covenants 18:19)

Be patient in afflictions, revile not against those that revile. Govern your house in meekness, and be steadfast. (Doctrine and Covenants 31:9)

Charity...

- Suffereth long
- Is kind
- Envieth not
- Is not puffed up
- Seeketh not her own
- Is not easily provoked
- hinketh no evil
- Rejoiceth in truth
- Beareth all things
- Believeth all things
- Hopeth all things
- Endureth all things
- Endureth forever

(Moroni 7:45–47)

“Temper is a vicious and corrosive thing that destroys affection and casts out love.” (President Gordon B. Hinckley, In Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 97; or Ensign, May 1991, 74)

Some people find that expressing their anger is satisfying and exhilarating. They feel powerful and superior when they intimidate others. However, anger damages those who give into it.

Few people like to be around those who are angry.

Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. (Psalm 37:8)

He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. (Proverbs 16:32)

Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools. (Ecclesiastes 7:9)

10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. (Matthew 24:10, 12)

29 For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

30 Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away. (3 Nephi 11:29–30)

The real costs of venting anger at friends, family members, and others are greater than people often think.

anger as the “thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway, flare-ups in the sports arena, and domestic violence in homes.” (Elder Lynn G. Robbins, In Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 106; or Ensign, May 1998, 80–81)

“Any man who is a tyrant in his own home is unworthy of the priesthood. He cannot be a fit instrument in the hands of the Lord when he does not show respect and kindness and love toward the companion of his choice. (President Gordon B. Hinckley, In Conference Report, Oct. 2001, 65; or Ensign, Nov. 2001, 52)

Any man who … cannot control his temper … will find the power of his priesthood nullified.”

Costs of getting angry include the following:

- Loss of the Spirit
- Loss of respect (for self and from others) and of friendship and cooperation from others
- Loss of self-confidence
- Guilt
- Loneliness
- Strained relationships
- Physical, emotional, and spiritual damage to self and others
- Children who no longer believe what parents teach
- Legal action and the loss of personal freedom
- Divorce
- Lost jobs

Anger also causes or worsens health problems such as ulcers, headaches, heart problems, backaches, and high blood pressure. These health problems often occur when people deal with anger in unhealthy ways for prolonged periods of time.

Angry people sometimes deny or minimize the consequences of their anger.

Fully acknowledging the costs of anger can increase their motivation to overcome this problem.

Some individuals use anger to intimidate and control others, to feel superior, and to avoid dealing with problems and responsibilities.

Anger may also stem from pride and selfishness, such as when a person fails to get his or her way, and from a lack of meekness or patience in the face of provocation.

Some individuals become angry when feeling frustrated, hurt, or disappointed.

Some individuals become angry almost without thinking in response to a perceived provocation. This kind of anger is often difficult to control because it occurs so quickly.

In other situations, anger builds slowly as an individual perceives ongoing threats, injustice, or mistreatment or experiences a series of provocations. A threat may be physical or emotional. For example, the person may fear bodily harm, humiliation, or loss of esteem to self or others.

In all these cases, becoming angry is a choice.

Perceptions of threat or endangerment are often distorted, exaggerated, or imagined. Too often, anger results when a person wrongly judges the intent of others:

When individuals perceive a threat and respond to someone in anger, their bodies prepare for action. Their blood pressure increases, their muscles tense, their respiration increases, and their minds focus on eliminating the threat or mistreatment. This state of readiness may be released in a single, explosive verbal or physical response to a perceived threat.

Or anger-provoking thoughts might increase over time until at last a person explodes in anger, sometimes over a minor situation or event that he or she would normally disregard.

Anger is often expressed in three unhealthy ways–through aggression, internalization, or passive-aggressive behavior.

Aggression. Anger is expressed through:Physical violence (hitting, biting, kicking, battering, hair pulling, pinching, slapping, destroying property).Emotional and verbal abuse (yelling, name calling, swearing, threatening, blaming, ridiculing, arguing, provoking, intimidating, manipulating, demeaning).Sexual abuse (rape, incest, molestation, sexual harassment).

‍Internalization. Anger is directed toward the self, leading to self-denigration, depression, or self-damaging acts (drinking, drug use, suicide attempts, self-mutilation).

Passive-aggressive behavior. Anger is expressed through indirect actions (tardiness, irresponsibility, stubbornness, sarcasm, dishonesty, irritability, discontentment, criticism, procrastination).

Awareness of distorted perceptions and the physical changes that accompany them provides important keys to controlling anger.

The best time for a person to interrupt the anger cycle is upon first noticing an increase in stress. The person can then seek additional information about the perceived threat or injustice, coming to understand it more clearly.

A better understanding may reduce the perception of danger, decreasing the possibility of an angry outcome.

Before stress builds, the individual can consider more productive ways to respond to the threat or injustice, a response that will resolve the problem rather than cause it to escalate.

A person who is stressed can also avoid situations that are likely to provoke more stress until he or she is more relaxed and in control. Then the person can work to resolve the situation without anger.

“Christ set a perfect example of maintaining emotional control in every setting. (Elder Wayne S. Peterson, In Conference Report, Oct. 2001, 103; or Ensign, Nov. 2001, 84)

“In the face of this unjust abuse, Jesus maintained His composure, refusing to act unkindly. (Elder Wayne S. Peterson, In Conference Report, Oct. 2001, 103; or Ensign, Nov. 2001, 84)

“He expects the same of us. To those who would follow Him, He said, ‘By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another’ (John 13:35).” (Elder Wayne S. Peterson, In Conference Report, Oct. 2001, 103; or Ensign, Nov. 2001, 84)

Angry, violent behavior tends to be cyclical, and the cycle usually repeats again and again. People are most successful at attempts to control anger during early phases of the cycle, before the physiological build-up occurs. (Men and Anger: Understanding and Managing Your Anger (Holyoke, Massachusetts: NEARI Press, 2004), 67–70. ISBN# 1-929657-12-9)

Four Phases of Anger

Pretends-to-Be-Normal Phase. Life runs smoothly, but anger lurks beneath the surface, affecting the way the person lives and thinks. Events or situations readily trigger habitual, distorted patterns of thinking. The person rationalizes and justifies these distortions.

Build-up Phase. As the person focuses on the distorted thoughts, he or she feels threatened physically or emotionally and begins to react angrily. The person’s thoughts replay familiar themes such as “She is so controlling” or “I do all the work around here.” Physical cues indicate the person is becoming angry (tension, stiffness, tightness, pounding heart, rapid breathing, upset stomach, or a hot or flushed feeling). The person fantasizes about and makes plans for acting out the anger and may engage in addictive behavior that feeds the anger (drug and alcohol abuse, overeating, overworking).

Acting-out Phase. Anger is vented on others through yelling at them, demeaning them, or physically or sexually assaulting them. Or it may be turned inward through self-denigration, suicide attempts, or alcohol or drug abuse.

Downward-Spiral Phase. The person feels guilt and shame. Defenses emerge, and the person tries to cover the anger by doing something generically good to prove that he or she is a good person. The person resolves to control his or her temper. As resolve breaks down, the person cycles back to the “pretends-to-be-normal” phase.

After an episode of anger, they can write the triggering event or person, the date, and the intensity of their anger on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being mild and 10 severe. They should also record the thoughts feeding their anger, how they dealt with the anger (their success or failure in controlling it), what seemed to help, and what they could do better next time.  (Adapted from anger log by Cullen and Freeman-Longo, Men and Anger, 31–32)

As they keep an anger log, their awareness of their anger cycle will increase. They can then interrupt anger in the early stages by using the principles taught in this session. (Adapted from anger log by Cullen and Freeman-Longo, Men and Anger, 31–32)

Example of Anger Log
‍

Events in life do not affect people negatively; rather, it is the way that people think about those events that produces the negative effect.

Many individuals suffer needlessly because they think about life’s challenges in distorted, negative ways.

Thoughts create feelings, and feelings influence behavior. Individuals distress themselves and suffer greatly because of inaccurate thinking.

Inaccurate Thinking Patterns

All-or-nothing thinking. (“I used to think he was a decent man. But today, he showed his true colors.”)

Jumping to conclusions. (“All she cares about is herself. My feelings are irrelevant.”)

Discounting positive experiences while dwelling on negative experiences. (“Did you see the way he turned on me? And after all we’ve been through together. He doesn’t care about me.”)

A common theme in these examples is distorted thinking that leads to emotional distress and anger.

To control their anger...

- Individuals can look for alternate explanations for the things that provoke their temper.

- They can challenge distorted thinking by trying to see the precipitating event as a neutral observer would see it. What would a camera record of the anger-provoking incident? Would a camera document the harsh interpretation of events made by the angry person?

- Another way to challenge distorted thinking is to try to view the situation from the other person’s perspective.
‍
- Individuals can also ask themselves these two questions:
    - “What evidence is there that my negative thoughts are accurate?”
    - “What evidence is there that these thoughts are not accurate?”

When individuals evaluate and correct their thinking in this way, they tend to calm down and accept others more readily.

On those infrequent occasions when negative interpretations are accurate, individuals still need to find better ways to respond than through anger

If attempts to resolve the problem do not work, individuals can follow the Savior’s admonition to “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44)

Individuals can think of difficult situations as problems that need to be resolved or as opportunities, not as threatening events that demand a dramatic response.

Example

“I’m not going to gain anything by getting mad. If I get angry, I’ll pay a price I don’t want.”

Husbands and wives can rehearse these statements mentally when they are not angry so the statements are available to them when a need arises.

As anger increases and chemicals build in the body, the ability to reason and to control behavior decreases.

A prearranged signal to stop the discussion is helpful, such as the T (time-out) sign used in athletic events.

Both partners must agree to honor the signal once it is given.

Time-outs will be successful if both partners can count on finishing the discussion later.

Along with the time-out, a wife or husband can suggest a time to resume the discussion, such as in 30 minutes or two hours or on the next day.

Many kinds of activities can help individuals calm down when they begin to get angry.

Some Examples of Activities
‍
- Meditating
- Working
- Jogging
- Swimming
- listening to Music
- Reading a book
- Praying
- Serving Others

Husbands and wives should take care not to vent their anger or to brood over the incident or incidents associated with it. If they brood or vent, their anger will most likely escalate. If they mentally review the incident again and again, they will most likely continue to exaggerate the situation. Those who vent do the same, justifying in their minds the violent expression of their anger.

Anger is often expressed in place of feelings of hurt, fear, embarrassment, or rejection.

Some individuals are hesitant to share these feelings, fearing they will show weakness or vulnerability.

When they share underlying feelings, however, they often find it easier to resolve conflicts. Other people will be less defensive and more willing to work out problems.

The feelings that underlie anger, such as hurt and fear, are often tender and closely related to a person’s sense of worth and well-being.

Many people believe it is safer to be angry than to show their tender emotions.

However, when people honestly share how they are affected by the actions of others, they often find that others respond in a better way and that conflicts are more readily resolved. Anger often subsides and relationships become stronger.

Individuals need to use good judgment in sharing underlying feelings. For example, a person may be confronted by someone who enjoys inflicting emotional or physical punishment. Sharing one’s pain may only encourage further abuse. Nevertheless, there are better ways of responding than to retaliate in anger. The Savior’s admonition to “love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44) has already been mentioned. In some cases, it is best to walk away from a confrontation.

The process of coming unto Christ involves a spiritual transformation that results in peaceful, loving behavior.

"the way we treat others becomes increasingly filled with patience, kindness, a gentle acceptance, and a desire to play a positive role in their lives.” (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, In Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 26; or Ensign, May 1992, 20)

And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually. (Mosiah 5:2)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. (Galatians 5:22–23)

Savior: “When you choose to follow Christ, you choose to be changed. … Can human hearts be changed? Why, of course! It happens every day in the great missionary work of the Church. It is one of the most widespread of Christ’s modern miracles. If it hasn’t happened to you–it should.” (President Ezra Taft Benson, In Conference Report, Oct. 1985, 4; or Ensign, Nov. 1985, 5)

“We also must remember that genuine fasting fosters strong faith. This is especially important as we faithfully seek to fix deeply embedded character flaws which go ‘not out but by prayer and fasting’ (Elder L. Whitney Clayton, In Conference Report, Oct. 2001, 34; or Ensign, Nov. 2001, 29)

And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. (Mark 9:29)

Relapse prevention is the process of disrupting the anger cycle by changing thoughts and behavior and by using other intervention strategies that the person discovers. Intervention strategies provide alternatives to anger build-up.

Relapse prevention and intervention strategies may involve help from family, friends, coworkers, bishop, or course instructor.

Relapse prevention usually works best during the first two phases of the anger cycle: the pretends-to-be-normal and build-up phases.

The person learns to recognize and respond to risk factors (events or emotions that trigger anger) in ways that disrupt the cycle and prevent relapse.

Pretends-to-be-Normal Phase

- The person recognizes his or her anger problem but manages it in a healthy way.

- He or she is aware of anger triggers and uses strategies to cope or escape, such as avoiding high-risk situations, relaxing, and taking time-out.

- The person actively works to resolve the conflicts and problems leading to anger.

Build-Up Phase and Use of Interventions

- The person uses new coping strategies to limit anger level and intensity.

- He or she corrects and replaces negative thoughts with positive statements (“I can handle this” or “I can find other solutions to this problem”).

- He or she acknowledges the painful feelings underneath the anger and recognizes that these feelings are normal. The person stops addictive behaviors, including fantasizing about acting out the behavior and planning to vent angry feelings.

- He or she discusses the problems or, if the situation is unchangeable, writes about them.

- The person releases energy through physical activities and builds self-confidence by doing something he or she enjoys.

- The person strives for spiritual rebirth.

“Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better.” (Elder Joe J. Christensen, In Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 86; or Ensign, May 1995, 65)

since husbands and wives have diverse backgrounds and experiences, they are bound to have differences: “But being different doesn’t necessarily mean that one person is right and the other is wrong–or that one way is better than another. … Even though there may be differences of opinion, habit, or background, husbands and wives can have ‘their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another’ (Mosiah 18:21).” (Elder Robert E. Wells, “Overcoming Those Differences of Opinion,” Ensign, Jan. 1987, 60

And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another. (Mosiah 18:21)

Differences between spouses can be beneficial when the couple love one another and learn to work together; their interests and abilities become complementary, and the couple can accomplish much more than either could do alone.

Unfortunately, many couples fail to resolve differences amicably. Western civilization has been described as an “argument culture” in which citizens are encouraged to view others from an “adversarial frame of mind.” The results are cynicism, lawsuits, and courts filled with people seeking resolution for their conflicts. (Deborah Tannen, The Argument Culture: Moving from Debate to Dialogue (New York: Random House, 1998), 3)

Left unresolved, differences can escalate into major conflict, as evidenced by national divorce statistics, which show that nearly half of U.S. marriages end in divorce.

If marriages full of unresolved conflict do not end in divorce, they often lead to many other problems, including unhappiness, discontent, depression, and separation.

Divorce and   conflict have consequences that often affect children throughout their lives

“Children raised in single-parent households are, on average, more likely to be poor, to have health problems and psychological disorders, to commit crimes and exhibit other conduct disorders, have somewhat poorer relationships with both family and peers, and as adults eventually get fewer years of education and enjoy less stable marriages and lower occupational statuses than children whose parents got and stayed married.” (Linda Waite of the University of Chicago and coauthor Maggie Gallagher report: The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000), 125)

Successful resolution of conflict involves:

- Avoiding selfishness,
- Finding a common ground
- Focusing on similarities rather than differences
- Requires good communication skills
- Cooperation
- The desire to find mutually acceptable solutions to problems.

Resolving conflict, while sometimes painful, is a healthy part of living that can build faith, fortitude, character, and personal righteousness.

“There is a need for us, perhaps more than ever before, to reach within ourselves and allow the quality of mutual respect, mingled with charity and forgiveness, to influence our actions with one another; to be able to disagree without becoming disagreeable; to lower our voices and build on common ground with the realization that once the storm has passed, we will still have to live with one another.” (Elder Loren C. Dunn, In Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 109; or Ensign, May 1991, 82)

Behold, this I have given unto you as a parable, and it is even as I am. I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine. (Doctrine and Covenants 38:27)

28 And according as I have commanded you thus shall ye baptize. And there shall be no disputations among you, as there have hitherto been; neither shall there be disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been.

29 For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.
(3 Nephi 11:28–29)

To be unified, couples must resist the impulse to be contentious; they must learn to reconcile conflict in an amicable way.

Some conflicts are resolved when one person chooses not to react to a provocation, or when a person apologizes and makes a needed behavioral change. This change often motivates the other person to want to change as well.

Many conflicts can be resolved when both spouses focus more on trying to understand each other and less on changing each other.

But, O my people, beware lest there shall arise contentions among you, and ye list to obey the evil spirit, which was spoken of by my father Mosiah. (Mosiah 2:32)

Thus did Alma teach his people, that every man should love his neighbor as himself, that there should be no contention among them. (Mosiah 23:15)

Cease to contend one with another; cease to speak evil one of another. (Doctrine and Covenants 136:23)

And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are. (John 17:11)

Phase One–Express Views

In this phase, husband and wife fully state their views regarding the conflict.

Sometimes when the couple clearly share their perspectives, they discover that their wants do not really conflict. The perceived conflict was merely a result of misunderstanding.

If each spouse’s commitment to his or her preferences is strong enough, and the positions still seem to conflict, the couple may deadlock at this level over seemingly incompatible positions.

When a deadlock occurs, the couple moves to the next phase of the conflict-resolution model.

Phase Two–Explore Concerns

The couple explores the concerns that underlie their positions–their feelings, wishes, fears, memories, likes, dislikes, and values. The focus is on understanding and accepting the other person’s concerns and on explaining one’s own concerns clearly.

As they explore their underlying concerns, couples often find that many of their values, thoughts, feelings, and desires are similar and compatible.

During this phase, opposition gives way to cooperation. Instead of viewing each other as opponents, the couple think of themselves as members of the same team who are exploring the roots of a relationship problem.

When this phase is successful, the husband and wife have broadened the frame of the problem from “what I want” and “what you want” to “what we would like.”

They assume that any concern of one is important to the other. While their positions conflict, their underlying concerns can be different and yet compatible.

Their empathy generally increases when they come to understand and appreciate each other’s fears, hurts, and desires. Sometimes a solution will become obvious when both have verbalized their underlying concerns.

If concerns seem incompatible and resolution is not forthcoming, the couple may need to explore the concerns in greater depth.

Good communication skills are important. Criticism, defensiveness, or other argumentative stances halt the process of collaborative problem solving. By contrast, tactfulness, listening to understand each other, affection, laughter, and mutual goodwill facilitate movement toward mutual understanding and solutions from which both spouses benefit. Couples can review session 2 for information on communicating effectively.

Phase Three–Select Mutually Satisfying Solutions

If a solution is not evident, the couple can brainstorm possibilities, writing down every idea that comes to mind. Then they can look for the solution that best addresses the most important concerns and modify or augment the solution until it has components to meet the concerns of each person.

Each person focuses on what he or she can do to address the most important concerns rather than trying to determine what the other person can do.

Once they have reached a solution, the couple will benefit from asking themselves whether any aspect of the problem still feels unresolved.

If they feel unsettled about the solution or if they are unable to come up with an acceptable solution, the couple can repeat phase two, taking more time to explore the underlying concerns. Then as they repeat phase three, they will likely find an acceptable solution.

Finding a solution can be surprisingly easy if the couple have thoroughly and cooperatively explored their underlying concerns.

Even when options are limited, the couple can arrive at a solution that seems best or fair to both.

Conflict resolution often does not occur in orderly sequence from phase one to phase three. A couple may need to move their discussion back and forth between all three stages.

“There is no other arrangement that meets the divine purposes of the Almighty. Man and woman are His creations. Their duality is His design. Their complementary relationships and functions are fundamental to His purposes. One is incomplete without the other. … (President Gordon B. Hinckley, In Conference Report, Oct. 2004, 87–88; or Ensign, Nov. 2004, 84)

“The cure for most marital troubles does not lie in divorce. It lies in repentance and forgiveness, in expressions of kindness and concern. It is to be found in application of the Golden Rule.” (President Gordon B. Hinckley, In Conference Report, Oct. 2004, 87–88; or Ensign, Nov. 2004, 84)

“Marriage is beautiful when beauty is looked for and cultivated. … I can show you throughout this church hundreds of thousands of families who make it work with love and peace, discipline and honesty, concern and unselfishness. (President Gordon B. Hinckley, In Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 97; or Ensign, May 1991, 74)

“There must be recognition on the part of both husband and wife of the solemnity and sanctity of marriage and of the God-given design behind it. (President Gordon B. Hinckley, In Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 97; or Ensign, May 1991, 74)

“There must be a willingness to overlook small faults, to forgive, and then to forget. (President Gordon B. Hinckley, In Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 97; or Ensign, May 1991, 74)

“There must be the Spirit of God, invited and worked for, nurtured and strengthened. There must be recognition of the fact that each is a child of God–father, mother, son, and daughter, each with a divine birthright–and also recognition of the fact that when we offend one of these, we offend our Father in Heaven.” (President Gordon B. Hinckley, In Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 97; or Ensign, May 1991, 74)

Rules for Discussing Problems

Decide on a time and place to talk. Don’t begin until you both feel ready.

Stay on topic. If needed, write down your points of view (phase one of the model) and keep them in front of you. It’s easy to get sidetracked.

Seek to understand instead of argue. Both of you will lose if you seek to win an argument.

Let your spouse talk. Both of you should have an equal chance to talk without interruption.

peak softly. You and your spouse can more easily share thoughts and feelings in a stable, noncombative, calm environment. When voices are quiet, you are more likely to hear and feel the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

‍Take a break, if necessary. If tempers flare, take a time-out, agreeing on a time to resume the discussion once tempers have cooled.

Be kind. Do not attack your spouse’s weaknesses or sensitive “hot spots.”

Use appropriate language. Profanity and name-calling are offensive, demeaning, and abusive. They impede the conflict-resolution process.

Discuss current issues. Don’t dredge up the past. Past issues should only be discussed if they are part of an ongoing unresolved problem.

‍Do not use violence. Violent behavior is destructive and contrary to gospel principles.

‍Do not threaten divorce or separation. Such threats have provoked individuals into taking actions they later regret.

Seek spiritual help. As you earnestly pray for assistance, the Lord will direct your efforts, soften hearts, and help you find solutions.

Rest and try again. If you cannot solve a problem by using the model, agree to set the problem aside temporarily. Schedule a time to resume working on it with renewed energy.

Find measurable solutions. For example, a solution such as “I’ll initiate family prayer and you’ll initiate scripture study” is both measurable and observable.

Plan the implementation of the solution. Decide who will do what, when it will be done, and how often it will be done.

Agree on reminders. Agree on whether reminders are needed, who will give them, and how they will be given.

‍Plan for exceptions. Plan ahead how you will deal with circumstances that interfere with the solution.

Reevaluate and revise. Set a day and time to reevaluate your solution, making revisions if needed.

“… A husband and wife must attain righteous unity and oneness in their goals, desires, and actions. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

“Marriage itself must be regarded as a sacred covenant before God. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

A married couple have an obligation not only to each other, but to God. He has promised blessings to those who honor that covenant. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

“Fidelity to one’s marriage vows is absolutely essential for love, trust, and peace. Adultery is unequivocally condemned by the Lord. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

“Husbands and wives who love each other will find that love and loyalty are reciprocated. This love will provide a nurturing atmosphere for the emotional growth of children. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

Family life should be a time of happiness and joy that children can look back on with fond memories and associations. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

“Restraint and self-control must be ruling principles in the marriage relationship. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

Couples must learn to bridle their tongues as well as their passions. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

“Prayer in the home and prayer with each other will strengthen your union. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

Gradually thoughts, aspirations, and ideas will merge into a oneness until you are seeking the same purposes and goals. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

Rely on the Lord, the teachings of the prophets, and the scriptures for guidance and help, particularly when there may be disagreements and problems. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

“Spiritual growth comes by solving problems together—not by running from them. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

Today’s inordinate emphasis on individualism brings egotism and separation. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

Two individuals becoming ‘one flesh’ is still the Lord’s standard. (see Gen. 2:24.) (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

“The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth” (President Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2–4; see also Conference Report, Oct. 1982, 85–86; or Ensign, Nov. 1982, 59–60)

“We live in a day when the adversary stresses on every hand the philosophy of instant gratification. We seem to demand instant everything, including instant solutions to our problems. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 135–40; or Ensign, May 1978, 91–93)

“It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 135–40; or Ensign, May 1978, 91–93)

If you have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 135–40; or Ensign, May 1978, 91–93)

“There is great purpose in our struggle in life. … (Elder Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 135–40; or Ensign, May 1978, 91–93)

“Remember that soothing, calming effect of reading the scriptures. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 135–40; or Ensign, May 1978, 91–93)

Next time you are where they are read, notice how things settle down. Sense the feeling of peace and security that comes. … (Elder Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 135–40; or Ensign, May 1978, 91–93)

“[A] bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, ‘Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!’ ‘Yes,’ replied her mother, ‘but at which end?’ (Elder Bruce C. Hafen, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 34; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 26)

Example of some troubles or difficulties that can come to a married couple:

- Disagreements
- Selfishness
- Hurt feelings
- Bad health
- Childlessness
- Aging
- Family members with disabilities
- Trying to find fulfillment when all the children have moved away from home
- Death of loved ones
- Financial problems
- Wayward children
- Natural disasters
‍

Some of the challenges come as a result of difficulties in the marriage relationship. Others come as a natural part of life.

Married couples will respond to challenges differently depending on how they view their marriage relationship.

Two ways to look at a marriage relationship:

Contract
A contract is a written agreement between two people or groups of people. It is enforceable by the laws of the land.

Covenant
A covenant is similar to a contract but is more far-reaching. The word covenant sometimes refers to an agreement between persons, but in the context of the gospel it refers to an agreement between us and the Lord. In a covenant, the Lord sets the terms and we promise to keep them (see Bible Dictionary, “Covenant,” 651). When we keep our promises, the Lord is bound to fulfill His promises

I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise. (D&C 82:10)

Many people in today’s society see marriage as nothing more than a contract.

Ponder:

When troubles come to a marriage, what might the husband and wife do if they view their relationship as a contract? What will they do if they view their relationship as a covenant?

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. … Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent. (Elder Bruce C. Hafen, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 34; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 26).

Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will” (Elder Bruce C. Hafen, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 34; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 26).

“No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” (Elder Lynn G. Robbins, in Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 105; or Ensign, May 1998, 80)

Heavenly Father has given us agency—the power to choose and act for ourselves. We can exercise our agency by choosing to be patient and loving when challenges come.

And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another. (Mosiah 18:21)

Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days. (Doctrine and Covenants 24:8)

And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness. (Alma 38:12)

19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
‍(James 1:19–20)

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)

For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. (Mosiah 3:19)

Things we can do when we are becoming frustrated or angry:

- Remove ourselves from the situation until we have calmed down.

- Pray for help and guidance.

- In a disagreement, take time to consider the other person’s motivations and feelings.
‍
- Seek help from local Church leaders and, as necessary, professional counselors whose views and practices are consistent with the teachings of the Church.

When husbands and wives are angry or frustrated, they sometimes allow their behavior to become abusive and destructive.

Spouses should never abuse one another in any way.

“Nobody ever abused anybody else when he had the spirit of the Lord. It is always when we have some other spirit” (President George Albert Smith, in Conference Report, Oct. 1950, 8)

Spouse abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

Emotional abuse includes actions such as yelling, cursing, making insulting or demeaning remarks, acting in a dictatorial way, humiliating a spouse before children or others, withholding support or affection as punishment, and ignoring or minimizing a spouse’s feelings.

Physical abuse includes pushing, restraining, shaking, hitting, slapping, coercing, and withholding resources.

Sexual abuse may be either emotional or physical. It includes sexual harassment, inflicting pain, using force or intimidation, and persisting in doing things during times of intimacy that are unpleasant or displeasing to the other.

“Some [men] put on a fine face before the world during the day and come home in the evening, set aside their self-discipline, and on the slightest provocation fly into outbursts of anger. (President Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 91–92; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 68)

“No man who engages in such evil and unbecoming behavior is worthy of the priesthood of God. No man who so conducts himself is worthy of the privileges of the house of the Lord. (President Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 91–92; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 68)

I regret that there are some men undeserving of the love of their wives and children. There are children who fear their fathers, and wives who fear their husbands. If there be any such men within the hearing of my voice, as a servant of the Lord I rebuke you and call you to repentance. Discipline yourselves. Master your temper. (President Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 91–92; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 68)

Some people develop aspects of abusive behavior without recognizing it. Others recognize that their behavior needs to be changed but feel unable to make the changes without help.

Those who want help in understanding and changing their abusive behavior can change as they humbly seek the Lord’s help and guidance.

Mothers and fathers who are loving and mature when they face challenges teach their children good habits that can last a lifetime.

“It helps children to see that good parents can have differing opinions and that these differences can be worked out without striking, yelling, or throwing things. They need to see and feel calm communication with respect for each other’s viewpoints so they themselves will know how to work through differences in their own lives” (Bishop Robert D. Hales, in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 10; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 9)

“Occasionally we hear something like, ‘Why, we have been married for fifty years, and we have never had a difference of opinion.’ If that is literally the case, then one of the partners is overly dominated by the other or, as someone said, is a stranger to the truth. (Elder Joe J. Christensen, in Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 86; or Ensign, May 1995, 65).

Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better” (Elder Joe J. Christensen, in Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 86; or Ensign, May 1995, 65).

When husbands and wives look for the admirable qualities in one another, they are better able to prevent difficulties. They are also able to work together to resolve difficulties that arise.

Ponder

In what ways have you seen the value of looking for the admirable qualities in others?

Ponder

How can looking for the admirable qualities in one another help husbands and wives strengthen their marriage?

“All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World”)

Although each person is unique, we are all children of God.

As husbands and wives seek to see all that is beautiful and divine in one another, they find more joy in one another’s companionship and are better able to help each other fulfill their divine potential.

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull.

I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes.

I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement.

The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another” (Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr. 1971, 81–82; or Ensign, June 1971, 71–72)

Communication is essential in building love and unity and in resolving difficulties that may arise.

“Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another. … Taking time to talk is essential to keep lines of communication intact. (Elder Russell M. Nelson, in Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 28; or Ensign, May 1991, 23)

If marriage is a prime relationship in life, it deserves prime time! Yet less important appointments are often given priority, leaving only leftover moments for listening to precious partners” (Elder Russell M. Nelson, in Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 28; or Ensign, May 1991, 23)

These are only some of the benefits that can come to a husband and wife when they listen carefully and lovingly to each other

- They learn more about each other’s true feelings and motivations.

- By seeking to understand before making judgments or offering advice, they avoid further complications.

- Each person is more likely to feel valued and loved.

- Each person is less likely to be defensive and more likely to communicate openly

Failure to take time to listen, and lack of interest in each other’s responsibilities are just a few things that can get in the way of couples really listening to each other.

An example of what marriage partners can do to become better listeners

- Take time to talk together. Eliminate distractions, giving all attention to one another.

- Listen to understand. Do not interrupt the person who is talking. If necessary, ask questions such as “Can you tell me more about that?” or “How did you feel when that happened?” or “I’m not sure I understand. Are you saying that … ?”

- Avoid getting angry or offended. Remember that in many cases, more than one opinion can be right.

Discussions about challenges should be conducted in a respectful way, without loud arguments or contention.

“We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly.(Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr. 1971, 82; or Ensign, June 1971, 72)

It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention. … (Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr. 1971, 82; or Ensign, June 1971, 72)

The voice of heaven is a still small voice; likewise, the voice of domestic peace is a quiet voice” (Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr. 1971, 82; or Ensign, June 1971, 72)

“Let husband or wife never speak in loud tones to each other, ‘Unless the house is on fire’” (President David O. McKay, Stepping Stones to an Abundant Life, comp. Llewelyn R. McKay [1971], 294)

“Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. (President Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 85; see also Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and Divorce,” 1976 Devotional

Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become. (President Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 85; see also Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and Divorce,” 1976 Devotional

“‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ can deflate almost any marriage. … (President Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 85; see also Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and Divorce,” 1976 Devotional

Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. (President Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 85; see also Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and Divorce,” 1976 Devotional

Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. (President Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 85; see also Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and Divorce,” 1976 Devotional

If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive” (President Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 85; see also Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and Divorce,” 1976 Devotional Speeches of the Year [1977], 148).

One form of criticizing is the practice of comparing a person’s weaknesses to the strengths of others.

Ponder

What experiences have you had that show the value of complimenting and encouraging others rather than constantly criticizing them?

Ponder

In what ways can positive expressions strengthen marriages?

Example

One woman explained that her husband often compliments her on her talents as a wife and homemaker, not only when they are at home but also when they are with friends. He never mentions her weaknesses. Instead, he chooses to focus on her strengths. She said that his comments give her hope and motivation to improve.

“In family discussions, differences should not be ignored, but should be weighed and evaluated calmly.  (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, in Conference Report, Apr. 1976, 79; or Ensign, May 1976, 52)

One’s point or opinion usually is not as important as a healthy, continuing relationship.  (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, in Conference Report, Apr. 1976, 79; or Ensign, May 1976, 52)

Courtesy and respect in listening and responding during discussions are basic in proper dialogue. … (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, in Conference Report, Apr. 1976, 79; or Ensign, May 1976, 52)

How important it is to know how to disagree with another’s point of view without being disagreeable” (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, in Conference Report, Apr. 1976, 79; or Ensign, May 1976, 52)